It is the time of year when one tends to reflect upon the accomplishments and mistakes of the past year then set about making goals and resolutions to ensure the upcoming year is better than the one just experienced. I am generally one of these people. However, as 2010 slams to a close this year’s goal sheet remains a blank page of white paper…
It could be filled with the yet attained goals from years past… lose weight, exercise more, eat healthier, etc. But really, what would be the point? Do these resolutions even deserve a place on a serious goal sheet if they have been there for years... untouched, unresolved, unattained … gathering dust as if pushed to the back of some long forgotten shelf?
I can barely get past the review of the last three months let alone the entire year! Each time I find solace for such a purpose I sit detached as if watching some horrible dream over and over again. Moments of disappointment, anger, shock, and sorrow replay in my mind’s eye like some relentless horror film. I sit helpless and watch all over as my children’s personal lives fall apart before my very eyes.
One daughter-in-law moves out because she just does not want to be married anymore then moves back in, only to give up on life and when that is not successful giving up on her marriage and family all together. Leaving in her wake a destruction she cannot see nor cares to see because she is only looking to satisfy self. I see a Christian son holding on tight, working harder than any man I have ever seen to be and do what is necessary to maintain and improve his marriage; praying till his knees were bruised and his hands rubbed raw, crying till all the tears finally dried up. She walked away and he gave up on a marriage he thought would last a lifetime.
I see another daughter-in-law never quite grasping the meaning of unconditional love. .. as she drives the father of her child away with bullying tactics, condescending mannerisms, and insecurity. Using a newborn baby to control a soldier fresh from war... never even pretending to seek the One True God. I see a very young Christian son, slowly shut down as the war on the home-front is harder to face than the one taking place in the desert. .. finally giving up completely on love and marriage and striking out on his own.
I see my own mistakes as I react erratically as the drama slowly unfolds… praying, crying, counseling… then succumbing to the anger… TRAGIC… a worldly reaction and BAM… a lost witness. Forgiveness from the Lord washes over me but the damage is done. That sticks and stones thing is a myth, I tell you. Words hurt much deeper and longer than any bruise, scratch or broken bone… even more so when they shoot from your own mouth, slide past the tongue, and pierce the heart of someone whom you genuinely love.
In the face of such reality…and the uncertainty brought about by the two divorces our family will experience in the upcoming year many of the goals and resolutions that once occupied my ‘New Year’s List’ seem most frivolous and without merit. Perhaps this year the list will contain merely three words:
For truly, one cannot trust and obey unless they first seek HIS way.
Psalm 63:1-8 “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” NIV