The past couple of weeks have been a bit difficult to say the least. I have been battling the head crud and just about the time I think I am getting better I wake up with a headache, sore nose and sore throat. I finally have antibiotics and hopefully they will take effect soon. Add to that the trips up to Missouri every weekend in February and the underlying stress of Jake's deployment... and I just plain don't feel so good.
I cannot begin to tell you the emotion that is involved when one sends their child into the throws of war. No matter how well trained he is, no matter the fact that he can hit 49 out of 50 shots consecutively...no matter how well prepared he is...mentally, physically, spiritually... it makes a mother’s heart tighten.
One would think a veteran would be a bit calmer about the whole thing. You know… been there, done that, and got the tee-shirt kind of attitude. That I would have the ability to know that the training takes over and one reacts instinctively. I tell you now…motherhood trumps veteran every time!
It is the combination of not being able to call and talk to him when I want to, the inability of being able to rush in and calm his fears as I did when he was little, the simple fact that I cannot look at his face and know everything is fine. Not being able to put my arms around him and whisper, "I love you." It causes a bit of melancholy… a bit of despair…
As a mother of faith, one would think a bubble of peace, joy and happiness would encircle me and I would be like a little girl skipping through the park smelling the flowers and watching the little birdies fly. The simple fact that I know God gave this child to me…for HIS purpose and not my own… that God WILL watch over him and protect him at every turn should be enough…shouldn’t it?
Yet the rush of anxiety sneaks up on me in the strangest places. Fleeting moments where I am a woman wringing her hands in anguish as fear and sadness engulfs me. The reality that he could get caught in cross-fire or be the casualty of a road side bomb flashes before my mind’s eye. Heartache that my baby will not see his baby born… the fact his child will be a year old when “Daddy” returns brings tears to my eyes.
It is during these times that I feel your prayers. The times when I am laid prone on the floor with arms spread wide… crying, desperately holding on to the hand of our Lord… sobs replacing words… and the Comforter comes… ministering… His Spirit to my spirit… wiping tears, whispering words of encouragement, smoothing the hair, patting the back and embracing me with love and peace. Removing the fear… the sadness… the insecurity… and in the blink of an eye… it’s all good.
Jake called mid-way during his travels and can you believe it? He sounded happy, excited even! As I write this post it is day one at his destination. I received a text that said he had arrived safely, don’t text back… it costs too much just e-mail, and keep praying.
As peace and assurance replace anxiety and fear I realize… it IS all good… God is good, He is in control and I should just let Him do what He does and take it one day at a time… step by step… walking in faith… sometimes being carried upon the backs of the praying saints… and no matter what happens He will get us through… for there is nothing impossible with God.